


"i can't do this without you."

by realmsoffreedom



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 07:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13898997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/pseuds/realmsoffreedom
Summary: He’s going to throw up again. He spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom after they first got here, having watched them rush the bloodstained stretcher into emergency surgery.Having watched them rush thelove of his lifeinto emergency surgery.or, awsten is forced to confront a reality he never thought possible.





	"i can't do this without you."

**Author's Note:**

> hi so this probably should be in my prompt series but...i went way too far and i knew it would happen but i couldn't stop.
> 
> this is a monster of pain and i'm so sorry. i had the idea before i read the prompt and then i just. i couldn't not do it yknow? it was perfect.
> 
> so enjoy lmao
> 
> (trigger warnings - depression and anxiety)

39\. “i can’t do this on my own.”

“So this fuckin’ asshole thinks he can just fuckin’ do that? I was like hell no dude, this isn’t just another fuckin’ song. I put so much of myself into this shit and they think they can fuck with it like that? _Hell_ fuckin’ no. So I just-”

“Aws, hey, take a breath.” Geoff moves the arm he has around his shoulders to the middle of his back, between the blades of his shoulders. “It’s our day off. We said no band stuff.”

He rolls his eyes. “ _You_ said no band stuff. I didn’t say anything.”

“I meant it for both of us,” Geoff mutters. He begins to move his hand in circles. Awsten pulls his lip in with his teeth and closes his eyes, leans into Geoff’s touch and lets his body weight shift onto Geoff’s side. “You needa day off, love. You’re too stressed.”

“It’s an important song,” he manages. “I need them to hear it the way I wrote it. The way it was meant to be heard.”

“They will.” Geoff’s hand stills on his back and snakes around to wrap around him. His fingers curl around his torso and Awsten stumbles and almost falls, as Geoff pulls him into a hug. He feels the tears burning at the corners of his eyes as soon as his face hits Geoff’s shoulder. Swallowing against the lump in his throat, he inhales heavily and presses his nose against Geoff’s collarbone.

“Do you wanna go home?” Geoff’s breath feels warm against his ear. “We can see the movie another day.”

“Mmmm.”

“We just left off on the season six finale of The Office, remember? We can start seven.” Geoff keeps rubbing his back. “And we still have some of the cookies your mom dropped off on Thursday. C’mon baby, let’s go home. You need a day in bed.”

He needs more than just a day. He needs a week, a month, maybe an entire year of dreamless, restful sleep, unhindered by the sharp claws, the talons digging into his back and ripping at his skin, tearing and scooping, hollowing him out until he wakes, cold, breathless, sticky with sweat and unable to separate the images his mind conjures from _you’re in bed you’re with Geoff you’re safe it was just a dream you’re okay breathe_.

He lifts his head off Geoff’s shoulder and looks down, slips his hand into Geoff’s and curls his tiny fingers around Geoff’s bigger ones. “Let’s go home.”

Geoff smiles at him and leans in to kiss his cheek. He closes his eyes, breathes in, uses his other hand to cup Geoff’s cheek and press their foreheads together.

Some days he wonders how this happened. He remembers the blurry lines and faded edges, the darks and lights blending into one to form a greyed out mess, the ache, like someone poked a hole in his heart and then stuck their finger in it like a curious child, ripping and tearing until it finally split. 

He remembers the headaches, crying so hard he couldn’t lift his head off his pillow the next morning, the hand on his back and the voice next to his ear, feeling the bed dip and being intoxicated by a scent that now feels like home. He remembers Geoff’s hands; feeling liquid warmth seep into his veins, plant flowers where she’d grown weeds, become the glue that held his broken pieces together.

Some days he wonders how he got this lucky and thinks of the version of himself a few years ago, the one that stared up at the ceiling with achy eyes and a knot in his chest, the one that wondered if things would ever get better.

And he wishes he could tell himself it would. 

“I love you,” he whispers. He moves his head back so he can connect his lips with Geoff’s.

“I love you, too,” Geoff says when they pull away. “Never forget that.”

He swallows again – goddamn Geoff for turning his sad tears into happy ones – and turns out of Geoff’s embrace to look at the street in front of them. He starts walking forward and the grip on Geoff’s hand becomes a pull and that’s when he realizes Geoff isn’t walking with him.

“Geoff?”

“The walk sign’s not lit up Aws, we gotta wait.”

He turns back to the street. The road is clear. He can hear cars in the distance but they sound far enough that they can make it across the street. “There’s no one here, relax.”

“Aws, I really think you should-”

“It’s fine!”

“Aws, watch out!”

“AWSTEN!”

Someone pulls the ground out from under him. He’s in the air for all of two seconds. He feels pressure against his back and he flies forward, tumbling to the concrete in a tangle of limbs. The pain stings. It’s sore his knees are stinging what the fuck just happened who the fuck was that what the-

He hears the screeching of tires and whips his head around, just in time to see Geoff’s body roll up onto the hood of the car and crash to the ground with a loud thump. 

…

His heart is racing. 

It feels like his lungs are going to eject out of his throat. The nausea has settled in and made a nice home for itself. 

He’s never run this fast in his life.

He practically hangs onto the receptionist’s desk when he gets to it, white-knuckling the edge and panting heavily. He puts one hand on his chest and inhales a heavy breath. There’s nothing slowing down his heart. It’s impossible. It’s been racing since Awsten’s flurry of frantic texts came in.

_otso_

_gedeji_

_hfibgr_

_hospiewpsa_

_geodk_

_nenewn ydou_

“Sir, may I…help you?”

“Geoff Wigington.” He lifts his head with another gasp.

She nods, still looking a bit hesitant, and types for a bit. The keys clack loudly. He feels like he’s suffocating when did it get so hot in here why.

“He’s still in surgery, sir,” she says. “But they brought someone else in with him, an Awsten Knight? Do you know him?”

“Y-Yeah,” He chokes out. “He’s my best friend.”

“Alright,” she replies. “He’s in the emergency waiting room, if you’d like to go wait with him. Make a left at the end of your hall and it’ll be on your right.”

“And…Geoff?” 

“I don’t have anymore information right now,” she tells him. The smile on her face looks sympathetic. He bites down on his lip. “But if you come back in an hour or so, I might. Either that or his doctor will come out and speak to you guys. Someone will find you when there’s an update, I promise.”

“Thank you.”

He doesn’t wait to hear the rest of her rehearsed ‘I hope your friend is okay’ spiel. He’s already received a ton of dirty looks for running, so he tries his best to speed walk down the hallway.

 _GeoffGeoffGeoffAwstenalonegogogo_.

And then he’s running again, skidding to a halt when he gets to the waiting room and Awsten comes into view. 

He’s sitting sideways in one of the chairs, completely secluded in a corner. His knees are pulled up to his chest and his arms are wrapped around them. He’s not looking up so Otto can’t see his face, but what he can see of his cheek is red. His hair is messy, sticking up in clumps. He’s wearing – holy fuck is that _blood_? – Geoff’s hoodie around himself like a blanket.

“Awsten,” he breathes, stepping forward so he’s in Awsten’s line of sight. 

Awsten whips his head around so fast. 

And seconds later, he has his arms full of boy. Awsten lunges for him and koala-clings to his body, arms so tight around his neck that he’s giving him a physical reason, along with emotional, not to breathe. He wraps his arms equally as tight around Awsten’s torso and pulls him in as close as he can possibly get. 

His heart feels like it’s cracking just as fast as it is racing because the sobs Awsten is letting out are guttural and choked. His voice sounds absolutely wrecked. He’s borderline screaming. Otto can feel the spot on his shirt already soaked through. “H-He pushed- and then he- I saw- h-hit- I-”

Otto rubs his back and swallows against the lump in his own throat. Tears are burning at the corners of his eyes and sliding down his cheeks. “I know. It’s gonna be okay, Aws, I promise. He’s gonna be okay.”

“No.” Awsten lifts his head up and stares at him. He’s chewing on his lip. His cheeks are swollen and tearstained and his eyes are bloodshot and red. 

“ _Yes_ ,” Otto emphasizes. “He’s going to be fine. I promise you.”

“You don’t get it.”

“What?”

Awsten’s voice cracks heavily with his next words, “it’s my fault.”

…

It doesn’t feel real.

He saw the blood pouring from Geoff’s head and heard himself screaming his name and tasted _nothing_ on his lips when he kissed him, but it still doesn’t feel real. He sat in the ambulance and watched them hook Geoff up to every wire in existence, saw them attach him to a _heart monitor_ , kept his eyes fixated on how damn _slow_ the beeps were, stared at Geoff’s unmoving body, the barely-there rise and fall of his chest. 

It’s not real.

Geoff didn’t push him out of the way of an oncoming car. He didn’t get hit himself. He didn’t sacrifice himself for Awsten. It didn’t happen.

Except that it did. 

Geoff _pushed him_ out of the way of an oncoming car.

And then got hit himself.

He keeps trying to tell himself that, trying to make sense of it in his brain, but the words aren’t clicking. It won’t register. ‘Geoff got hit by a car for you’ is a sentence his brain refuses to process. It sounds like a movie, one of those heartbreaking romcoms where the guy gives up everything for his girl and it ends in tragedy because the universe isn’t always so kind. 

Geoff told him.

He said the walk sign wasn’t lit up, he said to stay back, he said _not to cross the fucking street_.

He did it anyway. 

He tried to cross the street and a car came out of nowhere, and Geoff, being the fucking hero he is, took it upon himself to make sure he didn’t get hurt. Geoff sacrificed himself for him.

Geoff could be _dead_ right now, because of how stubborn he is.

His chest feels so tight. His throat is closed. He can’t swallow without tears stinging his eyes. His arms are sore and his mind is racing and his heart hasn’t stopped running the marathon. 

_He could be dead._

_Because of you._

_If he dies it’s your fault yourfaultyourfaultyourfuckingfault_.

He’s going to throw up again. He spent fifteen minutes in the bathroom after they first got here, having watched them rush the bloodstained stretcher into emergency surgery.

Having watched them rush the _love of his life_ into emergency surgery.

It feels like a dream it’s not real nothing is real Geoff is safe they’re home they’re watching the Office they’re eating cookies Geoff’s okay everything is okay everything’sokayeverything’sokayeverything’sokay.

_This is all your fault._

_Yourfaultyourfaultyourfault_.

He’s going to throw up again. 

…

“Alright hun. You’re listed as his emergency contact, so you’re able to stay the night with him. I’ll bring you in a cot a little later if you want one, okay?”

He nods. He feels numb. The world feels like it’s moving without him, like he’s looking down on it from some outside place in the universe, looking down on his body and his life but not really living it. 

There’s a cast on Geoff’s left leg and another on his right arm. Bandages are wrapped around his head, hair covering them messily. He’s wearing a hospital gown that covers his legs down to where the cast begins. There’s road rash on his uncasted arm and a plaster covering a spot on the middle of his (seemingly) uninjured right calf.

There’s nothing left in his stomach to throw up. The pocket of tears is sitting right next to the nausea switch, pressing dangerously against it. All that’s holding either of them back is a paper-thin membrane that’s just about to rip. 

He walks closer and reaches for Geoff’s uninjured hand. He doesn’t lift their hands off the bed. 

_Haven’t you hurt him enough for one lifetime?_

_He’s gonna break up with you._

_If he lives through this, that is._

_Who would want someone that did this to them?_

“I-I,” he forces out. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I am so fucking sorry. I should’ve listened to you. You were right.” A choked chuckle tears from his throat. “Always are, aren’t ya? My stubborn ass should listen more, huh?”

He leans over to kiss Geoff’s cheek, right under his eye. “I don’t deserve you. It always feels like that. You’re just…you’re so good to me and I’m so shitty and I don’t know why you’re still with me and maybe this is a blessing in disguise because now you have an excuse to leave my pathetic ass.” His voice breaks on the next words, “I don’t know why you’d wanna stay.”

He squeezes Geoff’s hand, biting down on his lip and tasting copper. He drops his head down and squeezes his eyes shut. “Please, just. Don’t die. You don’t have to stay with me. I get why you wouldn’t want to. But I just-” Another sob. “I need you. I need you way more than you need me and it’s pathetic and I’m pathetic I get it but I just. I don’t know how to do this on my own, Geoff, I-” Talking hurts, at this point. His throat hurts so bad and every word feels like another knife. “I can’t do this on my own.”

“I’m so fuckin’ stupid.” He barks out another laugh. “Tellin’ you you can leave me and then sayin’ how much I need you. I’m too fuckin’ dependent on other people ‘cause I hate myself so much.”

“I don’t feel okay without you,” he continues. “And it sucks. I know that’s not how it’s supposed to be. I know it’s like, unhealthy and shit. But after everything last time…I would be dead without you. I don’t know if you know that but it’s true. I wanted to kill myself so bad after her and I. I didn’t. Because of you. Because you made me feel like it was okay to be sad or angry or numb or _anything_ , and I needed that. I needed you. You were the only person saying it and I needed it so bad.”

“I’ve done a lot of stupid things.” He forces a smile and looks up at the ceiling. “A lot of really shitty, _stupid_ things that I know make me a bad person. But this…falling in love with him…this is the best thing I’ve ever done. It felt like all the bad stuff was finally over. Like I was finally _healing_. And fuck, I was so tired of being broken. And he heals me. So I just.” He swallows. “Universe, god, whoever’s fuckin’ up there, I just. I know I’m shitty and only go to church on Christmas and Easter – and that’s only when we’re home which we usually aren’t – but I need him. I can’t lose him. I can’t do it it’ll kill me I promise it will he’s too important for it not to.” 

“So please just.” He can’t stop crying. “Please don’t take him from me. Please. Give him back. I need him, please, I know I’m horrible I _know_ , just this one thing, please, I just.” he sobs again. It feels like one giant ball of pain, expanding and sending out sparks. Each spark hurts worse than the last. It all hurts. Everything hurts. 

“Please…”

…

Night comes and goes; dark blurs into light.

He doesn’t register any of it. 

The only time he moves from Geoff’s side is to go to the bathroom. He doesn’t eat, won’t sleep, can’t do anything but watch Geoff’s rising and falling chest, make sure he’s still breathing _what if he stops what if it stops what if I watch him die_.

His face feels stiff and everything feels like massive migraine. 

It hurts so much. His eyes burn and his stomach growls and his limbs ache. 

He ignores all of it. Otto knocks on the door, brings him food, sends Zakk and Travis and even Jawn, to try and convince him to eat something. He refuses.

And everything is silent.

He gets accustomed quickly. The beeping heart monitor and Geoff’s breathing become a home, familiar. He settles into it.

“I love you,” he mumbles, bending down to kiss Geoff’s hand. “Come back to me so you can dump my sorry ass. It’s okay. I know it’s coming. I just- I needa know you’re-” His voice cracks. “ _Alive_. At least. Just that. I’ll be okay. I knew this wasn’t- wasn’t gonna last forever.”

“Are you planning on dying?”

He stops.

Someone hits pause on the world, and he stops.

His heart is racing hot cold hot cold hot cold there’s fire burning down his back but ice swallowing all of it what the fuck what’s going on fuckfuckfuck.

“G-Geoff?”

Geoff blinks at him. He squeezes his hand. “Are you planning on dying? Because I’m not.”

“Wha- I don’t- I-”

“This ends when one of us dies,” Geoff says. “And it’s not gonna be me.”

“I can’t-” The world is spinning everything’s moving fuckfuckfuck this isn’t real it’s a dream he’s dreaming he can’t breathe what the fuck just happened fuckfuckfuck.

“Come here.” Geoff holds out his good arm.

He doesn’t need to be told twice.

He climbs onto the bed – as gingerly as possible, avoiding wires and tubes as best he can – and sinks against Geoff’s chest. He buries his face in the crook of Geoff’s neck and inhales. 

It doesn’t smell like what he’s used to – the cologne, sweat, and vanilla. It’s sterilization and antiseptic and his nose curls up at first, but he ignores it. 

“We’re gonna talk about this later,” Geoff murmurs. His lips are buried in Awsten’s hair. “After I get some pain meds hopefully, ‘cause this fucking _hurts_. But sunshine, this isn’t ending. No matter what. You’ve got me. Until I die, I’m yours, and even after. I promise.”

“I love you,” is all he can manage. The past two days have been the most exhausting of his entire life. His body feels so heavy. His head hurts so bad. Everything feels so thick. Heavy. 

Possible.

“I love you, too.” 

The room dissolves into steady silence for a few moments. He tightens his grip on Geoff, tries to balance between not wanting to hurt him and wanting to squeeze him and never let go.

 _He almost lost him_.

He swallows again and presses his lips against Geoff’s neck. Geoff starts to rub his back, and he sighs. 

“I would do it again. And again. A hundred times over, even more, if it meant you never have to get hurt a day in your life. I love you, sunshine. You’re the love of my life. This is never gonna end, okay? Can you say it? So I know you’re hearing me?”

His voice cracks in the beginning, and more tears slide down his face by the end.

“This is never gonna end.”

**Author's Note:**

> yeah um
> 
> that hurt
> 
> (altho i have plans to turn this into a full-on fic, if i make geoff's injuries a bit more severe and add a couple other elements, it could turn into something (that hurts a lot ngl) really amazing so let me know if yall want that!)
> 
> i'm sorry again


End file.
